Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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