I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This is my gift to your gina
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
