I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
