she looked like the before picture.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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