My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
