I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
