you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
