my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
