Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
