Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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