Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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