just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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