Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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