It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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