I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
