Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
