Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
