i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize