saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
