I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
