I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
