He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Who died my cat blue again?
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