Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
