i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
