glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
