I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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