YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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