i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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