May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
