What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
