I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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