So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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