You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
