I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
