I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize