you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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