My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize