Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
