All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
