Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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