What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
