Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
