So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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