grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
