I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
This house was built for laser tag.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
