How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize