i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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