yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
