did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
