All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
