i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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