I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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