By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
