I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
