I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
