My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
