i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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