I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize